So I've made my choice. For now, due to more risks to those I love than I had first been aware of, I have postponed the "activity". Before I knew that it was a requirement, I had already chosen to wait, but then when I found out what had to be done to be with who I wished to be with---well, I had to think through much more than before.
Have you ever wanted something for years and years, so badly that it is like a small contained void in your heart and spirit, as you are waiting, searching,looking. Finally, when you had mostly come to the conclusion that it does not exist in this reality, you find it does. But then it as if the universe holds out the sought for goal, my heart's desire, and then pulls it away at the last moment, thumbing its nose at me.
I know that it isn't really like that, that our maker is watching out for me, and there is great love there. But I have been so heartsick since May 1st, and this is not helping.
I am grateful for such a blessed trip, we saw SO much beauty, it actually wore us out! I kid you not. That was very good for the soul. :)
I am also grateful for any and all support and prayers from the mahre. Please, if you can, write to me. It helps so much to know you are out there. I so wish I could link up with you.

I hope that this is only a postponement.
I know there are things that I wish to work on.; Defenses, opening up that "eye", teaching the kids. I know that some of what I am feeling right now is exaggerated by depression, and I am trying to relax and allow it to heal, so I can get back to a normal state. It's difficult because I feel so darn isolated.
Anyway, thanks for reading this, if anyone does.